WHEN SARCASM MEETS IRONY
by Karen Moondrop
Summary: Written in the hope someone will rescue me from my mediocrity and help me to improve as a writer.
1. Introduction

**WHEN SARCASM MEETS IRONY**

_A/N: Greetings. I haven't written much for a while. If you're bored enough, or feel so obliged, read below. It'd be nice if you gave a review I guess… but be honest! If you don't like, please say so, and say why! After all, how can one improve if they are under the impression that there is simply no need?_

Jack sighed. He'd known for all his life that the last thing he would want to be stuck with was a monotonous, invariable job. Yet, here he was, lying agitatedly on his bed as someone almost knocked the door of his newly inherited farmhouse down with eagerness from the other side. Though it was a choice forced by conscience rather than will, he couldn't help but feel a little angry and self abusive on the 2nd of Spring as he awoke on the strangely odorous single bed to begin the first day of the awaiting, quite possibly eternal nightmare.

"Good morning!" a maddeningly jovial man screeched as Jack had managed to open the door after stumbling through the crappy, dilapidated cabin. Jack groaned, bringing his hand to his head, which was now thumping painfully from the sudden abuse. This was going to be a long day.

"To what do I owe this great pleasure?" Jack looked at the man. If he weren't talking, Jack could swear he was a giant tomato. _Then again,_ Jack thought, _it probably won't be too long before I'm driven to a state of insanity that has me seeing this whole village as a bunch of talking vegetables. _Jack suddenly realized he'd been asked a question.

"You do realize you're the one that knocked on my door?" Mayor Thomas blinked. This action was suddenly replaced by a disturbingly sudden bellow.

"Ha ha! You're completely right!" Jack raised an eyebrow into its well conditioned expression somewhere between skepticism and disbelief. _On second thought, that may just be a perfectly reasonable observation. _Jack was again snapped from his thoughts as he noticed the man was again talking. However, he was both too tired and perturbed to give a damn. And so, as Mayor Thomas continued to ramble on about something remotely to do with livestock, Jack shut the door and jumped back onto his bed. Despite his obviously delightful situation, Jack couldn't help but wish the unstable shack's roof had collapsed before he got up that morning. Jack groaned as his head hit the pillow. There just wasn't enough empathy in this world to appreciate the nocturnal tendencies of an apathetic, cynical teenage boy.

_A/N: The length has indeed to do with the time of night this was written… anyway, I know it's a small excuse for a start, but are there any experienced writers willing to provide some technical advice? Cheers._


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

_A/N: Thanks for all the input guys, it's really appreciated. Here we go again… (p.s. I called this chapter 1 because the last was more of an introduction.)_

Jack pushed his head deeper into the pillow. It had been half an hour, and the mayor had lost neither interest nor hope on the boy whose door he had been thrusting himself against in an all too sexual way in an attempt to rouse (or perhaps arouse) him.

"Jack!" The boy in question groaned something just barely audible in response.

"Just 'Duck cough?' Whatever does that mean, boy?" Jack decided to not bother correcting the Mayor. After a moment's pondering, the mayor sighed.

"You know Jack, you really should get to work. Remember, you need to bring this farm up to its former exceptional standard, plus find a generic country girl as your bride in the next three years."

"And why would I need to do that?" Jack said, now just a tad curious.

"Silly Jack. Don't you remember your contract?" Thomas heard a loud thudding sound that sounded suspiciously like someone falling off a bed echoing through the house. After another series of scrambled thuds, the door jolted open, revealing a Jack's now incredulous countenance.

"What… contract?" Ever the jovial one, Thomas beamed as he put a hand up into his hat. It soon surfaced, along with an officially formatted document.

Jack scanned said document, his face turning slowly from skeptical to bewildered and then truculent.

"You signed right here, see?" The dopey politician pointed to a line near the bottom of the page where Jack's signature was scrawled in what seemed to be a rather intoxicated fashion.

"I don't remember ever signing this!" Jack scowled; his voice temporarily losing it's monotonal, nasally sound.

"And I know I most certainly would have read something of this significance before signing it… what's this? _"The act of breaching this legal document will result in a punishment of the offending person(s) of 1(one) – 5 (five) years of imprisonment, and an additional 100 000 gold fine. (Yes, this is how we get our jollies. We admit social depravity)._

Jack stared at the paper in utter disbelief, recognizing his complex signature as authentic.

"How… how could I have agreed to this?" The Mayor shrugged nonchalantly.

"Caffeine is a hell of a drug."

Jack kicked a stone absent mindedly as he walked through the virtually empty red brick road. How could he have gotten himself into this situation? Had he really been that high on caffeine that he had lost the ability to assess even a just plain ludicrous document properly? _If so, I never want to drink._ He had been wandering through the streets of his newly affirmed town of residence. _I hadn't planned for this…_ Jack felt cheated. He'd only even shown up out of respect for the old man. When he heard his old friend had left him his farm, his life's work, he couldn't exactly refuse to return to the place at least once… if only to see if the TV was still up for grabs. Sure, he did intend to stay for a while, but he didn't exactly feel ready for this kind of forced commitment and responsibility being shoved into his face. Jack looked up, realizing he'd made his way back to the road continuing to and from his farm. _Well,_ _I somehow dug my own grave, and I guess I have to lie in it. _He stopped walking and stood in the white fluorescent glow of the street light, head bowed.

"There better be some damn hot girls here." And after remarking this to no one in particular, he continued on his way to his new life.


End file.
